Four In The Morning
by Samala90
Summary: This was it; this was the moment that would change her whole life; either crush her from the very core of her being, or save her. It would be the hardest thing she would ever have to live through. And yet… there was no turning back. A Ryan/Taylor oneshot.


**Author's Note: **This is just a little something that popped into my head a while ago and that wouldn't disappear unless it was written. It's rather different from what I normally do, but I'm actually pretty happy with it myself, so I really hope you like it!

And for those who are wondering: Next on the updating list is a new chapter of In Another Life, and after that I plan to pick up my SS story True Love Waits (which has been on an equally heartbreakingly long hiatus as Life In Berkeley had been until I updated that just the other day).

Just so you all know; I couldn't write this without music and I had a playlist with about 5 songs that turned into major inspiration for this story...

But now I leave you guys off to read this! And please review once you're done; it would mean the world!

Much love to you all!  
x x x Sandra

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**Four In the Morning**

Being here was wrong and she knew it.

It violated everything she'd tried to desperately make herself believe over the past few months; the lies she'd told herself just to get through the days when every part of her just wanted to surrender to the pain and just give up. To stop fighting, to stop breathing, to just let go and not pretend anymore that something more than the pain she was experiencing was keeping her alive.

She couldn't believe that she was here, and what it meant. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't sure she could do it. She had never been more afraid in her entire life and every rational thought in her mind was fighting and screaming for her attention, telling her to just go back. And there was a part of her that was desperate to give in to those words; the part of her that wanted nothing more than to return to the car, hit the gas pedal and go back, leaving it all behind and spending the rest of her life pretending it had never happened. Because if this went wrong… if the answer was no… It would _kill _her.

But then there was the other part of her; the part of her that knew that she was there for a reason. The part of her that knew that by hurting the way she was, life was slowly slipping away from her anyways, minute by minute, second by second… The pain alone was killing her, and she just couldn't keep to doing this anymore; living, yet barely being alive.

Whether slowly or in an instant, the pain would kill her either way. At least this way she would have her answer. And against all reason, against everything she knew to be true, she was holding on to the tiny, feeble sense of hope- the hope to regain what she had once let slip out of her hands, the start of something new, the change she was desperately praying for to come… And that was the real reason why she was standing on his doorstep at four in the morning; hope.

And now she was here, against all logic and reason, and change was upon her. Just being there hurt. The pain was more real than anything she'd ever felt in her life, and once again she questioned if she was strong enough to take it. At the end of this; she would either have everything, or nothing at all. She hesitated a few seconds and heaved in all the air her broken insides would hold.

This was it; this was the moment that would change her whole life; either crush her from the very core of her being, or save her. It would be the hardest thing she would ever have to live through. And yet… there was no turning back. There was no choice.

And then finally she rang the doorbell.

A moment passed as she was waiting, a moment that felt like it held an eternity, and in the second leading up to it she toyed with the idea of just getting back into the car and driving away. He would never even have to know she'd been here. The thought was more than tempting, and she'd already turned her heel in direction towards the car before she could finally hear movements behind the door.

And for a second, as the door swung open impatiently and she saw him for the first time in nearly three months, it was easy to believe that nothing had really changed. There he was in the doorway with his hair ruffled from sleeping, and there she stood on his doorstep just like old times. It was as if no time had passed; as if they were still the same innocent college kids. As if there had been no fights, no tears, no drama- just the two of them all over again just like it should be. She almost fooled herself to believe that that they were still happy, that the pain that was eating her alive from the inside didn't really exist- that it was just a fiction of her mind. That the past months of living in a thick fog of hurt had never even happened, that it had all been a bad dream.

But when he finally caught sight of her and her eyes met his ice cold gaze, reality dawned on her again, and she remembered why it was that her life had been a blur of pain and nothingness over the time that had passed without them seeing each other.

"_What are you doing here?" _he asked finally. His words were harsh and cold, and the gaze in his eyes was made of stone.

Her heart sank immediately, and the feeling of the hope that had gotten her there in the first place was instantly reduced. _I never should've come…_,she thought to herself as she fought back the tears that burned under her eyelids. She allowed her lungs to be filled up by the chilly night air as she took another deep breath, trying to compose herself before she spoke. _"I needed to see you," _she confessed sternly.

"_We agreed we weren't going to do this. Don't you think it's hard enough as it is?" _

"_I know, I know, I shouldn't be here," _she agreed.

"_Then why are you?" _he wondered, his voice containing no traces of warmth, or even curiosity. All that was apparent was anger… and pain. The same pain she hadn't been able to escape over all this time. And if he'd been hurting even half as much as she'd been… then this was going to be even harder than she'd thought at first.

There seemed to be no right way to begin to explain. _"__I was on a date tonight,__" _she declared suddenly, her heart breaking as she pronounced the words. It was almost too much to think about.

He remained in silence as if he hadn't really heard her comment, but she could see his jaw tightening unwillingly.

"_Yeah…" _She scraped up the little strength she could find within herself and took a deep breath before continuing. _"We had sex." _These words were even more painful to utter.

His teeth were clenched together with a force she'd never seen before, and his knuckles were ghostly white on the outside of his fist. He closed his eyes as if trying his very hardest not to hit the wall with all the fury that was burning inside of him, just waiting to burst through his cool surface. _"And you came here four in the morning to tell me this…why? To rub it in my face?" _He didn't yell, but it almost made her wish that he had. This was worse. He sounded… disappointed, and even worse; hurt.

"_No, no!" _she cried, struggling to find the right way to explain.

"_Then why? To ask my permission? Taylor, we are broken up! You can do whatever the hell you want, it's none of my business."_

His words were like a slap in the face. As if he didn't actually… care, anymore. Again, she fought the almost irresistible urge to just leave, but she knew she had to try. She would never forgive herself if she didn't. _"I know that I technically don't have any obligations to you," _she began softly, struggling to pronounce the words she four months ago would never have believed she would say. _"And I'm not here to ask you for your permission…"_

He looked at her with a justified confusion, his anger partly becoming replaced with interest. This awarded her the courage to inch closer towards him, but he took a step backwards, not daring to close the distance between them.

She sighed and closed her eyes before she finally spoke. _"…I'm here to ask for your forgiveness."_

His face was now completely crinkled up in bewilderment, but she didn't wait long to continue to explain. _"Look… I talked to Seth earlier today, and he told you that a colleague of yours had asked you out."_

His face remained stern and the distance between them unclosed, but there was an intrigued look in his eyes, so she could tell that he was listening.

"_And I know that that shouldn't bother me. I know that. I mean, we broke up three months ago, and we haven't seen each other since… And I don't even think you even _want_ to see me after the way we left things that night… I should've moved on a long time ago, I should've just realized that you don't want me anymore, and that feeling jealous of some woman I've never even met is completely pointless because it won't change things between us._

"_But the truth is… I _did_ get jealous. And I freaked out, 'cause I figured that if you could move on then so could I. So I went out with this guy from work; this really great guy, recently divorced, handsome, funny, talkative…"_

"_Mh-hmm," _he muttered, looking at the door as if he considered shutting it in her face.

Even though the pain was nearly excruciating now, she forced herself to continue. _"… And we had this really nice date and everything was going well, so at the end of everything, he asked me over to his place. And well, I figured that some sex couldn't do any harm, 'cause it was along time ago since last… well, you should know, since… Yeah…"_

She'd begun rambling in all her nervousness, but trailed off at the sight of the rage that was blazing around his irises. Yet she had to keep going… she was still praying, still hoping that this wouldn't be the end of her, and holding onto that hope made her continue.

"_So… we had sex. And it was obvious that he was very experienced, and he did everything the way he was supposed and went out of his way to please me in every way imaginable…" _Every word forced all of her strength, and she could feel herself dying a little more inside with each syllable she uttered.

"_Is there a point to this pleasant little bedtime story?" _he questioned sarcastically through gritted teeth, glowering.

She didn't think she had enough fight in her to answer that question, so instead she just picked up where she'd left off. _"… and it was horrible. Every part of me was screaming how wrong it was that this man had has hands all over me, that this man was inside of me, how wrong it was that it wasn't… you. Throughout the entire thing, you were all I could think about. You're all I _ever_ think about, because I just can't… not._

"_So maybe technically, I don't have any obligation towards you, but I _want_ to. And I know that after the way things ended between us you don't want anything to do with me, and I know that I have no right to ask you of this… But I came here to ask you… to _beg _you, to forgive me for what I did." _She exhaled, not even realizing she'd been holding her breath and just looked at him.

His face was motionless, nondescript, and didn't reveal any of the thoughts that had to be bouncing around in that broody head of his. His crystal blue eyes looked glassy, distant, and though his feet remained anchored in the same position, and his body was frozen still, his fists were unclenched, hands now hanging loosely to his sides.

She waited for him to say something; anything. Every torturous beat of her heart, every breath she drew without him uttering a single sound was like another stab to her chest. The pain as so real it was impossible to ignore. It felt as if she was being hit by a train over and over as the eternal silence hovered between them.

She was praying, hoping for some release. She was standing there in front of him; shattered, broken with an equal chance of gaining the only thing in her life that really mattered; as the risk of losing it.

And she was amazed now at how _stupid_ the lies that she'd told herself over the past months had been: about how she didn't need him, how she was better off, how she would get over him eventually. Who the hell had she been kidding?! This was the real deal, and she knew it- that was exactly the reason why it was so _damn_ hard.

When she'd been growing, believing in true love and fairytales, she'd thought that love was easy once you found the person you wanted to spend your life with. It wasn't until now, years later, when she knew exactly who that person was, that she'd come to realize that it's not until you know that, that the hard part comes along. When you have everything to lose and nothing to gain; that's when it gets hard.

It wasn't until she'd met him that she'd fully been able to comprehend that as much as love can fill you up with joy and hope, it is also the very thing that can destroy you. The same love can kill and save you. Two sides of the same coin… An endlessly thin line to balance on between pain and happiness. That was love's beauty and tragedy.

And true love was exactly what they had. She just didn't know if she could stand losing it again.

"_Ryan, please just say something…," _she begged desperately, her eyes now brimming with tears. For her the hardest part was always not knowing, and his silence was _killing _her.

He finally looked up to meet her gaze, his eyes still full of confusion. _"Why?" _he asked at last.

She knew he wasn't referring to her last comment; he needed to hear the reasons to try again. The reasons to risk experiencing the same pain once more, a pain neither of them were sure they could live through again if things wouldn't work out… _"Because… there just isn't a me without you."_

Her statement was simple, but this was exactly what the last few months of pain and nothingness had made her realize: that nothing felt right without him. She'd always took pride in being so independent, and after their break-up she'd gone about her normal routine, but the things that had used to make her happy, the things she'd used to love sharing with him or just talking to him about, they meant nothing if she didn't have him there too.

"_You are what got me here," _she continued, the tears slowly starting to fall to her cheeks. _"You are what made me push through all the fear and all the pain to get here. Because… you are my life, my _everything_. And I just can't stop loving you."_

Finally, it was as if something clicked in his head and he just reacted on pure instinct. Taking a step forwards, he closed the distance between them, and grabbing the back of her head, he finally pressed his lips against her.

She didn't give it a second thought. Her whole being just gave into him, every part of her surrendering as they stood there for an eternity, their tongues brushing against each other, touching, reacquainting, tasting each other.

She never wanted it to end, wished to make the moment last forever, but finally he broke away, leaving her stunned and struggling for air.

All the traces of pain was gone and a smile was upon his face when he finally spoke, whispering into her ear: _"Guess we were never really over."_

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